Thursday, February 14, 2013

Put on Those Jet Packs!

Have you ever wondered what flying would be like? Why not strap a few jet packs on your back and see how it feels? The force on your body as you fly against gravity, the wind in your face, and the exhilarating feeling that comes from the thrill of doing something that seems nearly impossible.

This is my life. Not that I own jet packs, but on a spiritual sense, there are days where it seems like God straps some on and I just go flying! It is after these moments that I sit and reflect. I see how different I am because of God. And I wonder how I even made it through the previous week not knowing what I had just learned.

Today is one of those reflection days. It is more of a forced reflection day since I woke up sick and had to cancel all my appointments. People do not like it when you are contagious. The State of Oregon Massage Board detests it, which is why it is against the law to give a massage to anyone when you are sick.

With this state of exhaustion that I am in (it started last night), my emotions go down to the depths. Most often after working my way through the murky waters of my feelings I realize just how hard I have been on myself. There is so much to do and so many people to love. I want to do my best; to give the best; to love like tomorrow is not coming.

With the added pressure that I put on myself I can have moments where I feel like I have failed. This feeling of failure has been a constant companion of mine for years. It is something that God has slowly been freeing me from. When I say slow, the slow part is more about me since it is a process to realize the unhealthy habits and thought patterns that have been a part of my life for years.

Each time that I seem to find myself emerging from the depths of my emotions, a new sense of freedom and breakthrough occurs. Healing is a process and can be painful at times. Just like that jet pack, healing can set you soaring high in the clouds, free and full of joy despite the pain!

Sometimes, my husband can get the brunt of my "failure" as I vent, and struggle to process the crazy events that may have just taken place. He literally is the best gift. He allows me time to process things, hugs me, rubs my shoulder, or holds my hand, just as a silent gesture to let me know that he loves me despite my inner struggle.

God has used my husband to help me become the woman I am today. Looking back on our journey of love, I see part of the reason why there was some opposition for us to be a couple. The enemy was scared about what we would do, and who we would become, TOGETHER. In response to that truth, I admit that he should be scared. I say this not to brag but to proclaim the truth that through God, He is doing great and mighty things in and through us, TOGETHER.

If there is anything I have learned the past 3 years it is to: set fear of failure aside, put on those jet packs and fly!


Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Longing for You

The time has come and gone, and I stand here longing. A land so close, an unending love for a people I hardly know. I see your faces in my dreams.

The desire burns in my heart to pick up a dirty orphan child who is desperate for a mother’s love. I thought I would return to you long before now. I never intended to leave you behind. I see your faces in my dreams.

I ache for your small arms to wrap around my neck. Is it just a mother’s desire inside of me? Truly I know that nothing will ever erase this fire in my soul to save each of you. I see your faces in my dreams.

Red dirt, bare feet, your footprints are forever on my heart. Round belly, and big yellow eyes, the loneliness is something that will forever haunt me. I see your faces in my dreams.

Contagious laughter, dirty tears I am sorry I am not there to dry them. Who is there with you now? I wonder how much longer it will be until I can hold you. I see your faces in my dreams.

This burning desire to come and save you is more real than ever before. It is as if I hear all of your voices calling my name during the night. Calling me back to a place where my heart is my home and strangers call me sister. I see your faces in my dreams.

Red, yellow, black, and white I see your faces in my dreams. I will come to you when He sends me and I will bring with me another hero. This time will be different. This time I can kiss the tears you cry and together we can dream under the same sky.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Where are you now?

I was listening to Red's album "Until We Have Faces"
Until We Have Faces 

I have heard this song countless times. Today this song seemed to explain exactly how I have been feeling lately. For the first time in my life I have been learning how to deal with a difficult situation in a healthy way. I am allowing myself to grieve.

I am not the only one who is facing similar heartache. 
You are not alone if someone in your life has walked away and you are waiting for them to return home.

Countless times, I have written in my journal: 
Where are you? Where did you go? 
Will you come back to love me?
I used to know you.
Who are you?

So many of us are walking around wounded. Some of us are still recognizing our worth. Many of us fight for our worth by forgiving and loving others even as they walk away. Although, this may not always feel good, true love does not hold onto what the person did to you, rather you let the person and action go by handing it up to God. He alone can handle the toughest situations. 

This does not mean that you must continue to put up with sinful behavior. This does not mean that the pain will instantly go away. It also does not mean that the situation will be fixed. The certainty is that your heart will not be tied down in bondage to that pain or to that person. Because of this there is freedom. Your heart can be healed and shaped beautifully by the hands of love.

How many of you are waiting for someone you love to return? How many of you are learning what it means to let go of pain due to the words or hands of others?

You are not alone. 
Hold on.
There is hope.
Cling to Love.
Forgive daily.
Allow yourself to grieve.
Open yourself up, let go of the pain, and let Love hold you.

Listen to this song. Maybe it will allow the tears to break forth for more healing. 
Do not be afraid to allow yourself to feel.
Let go.
There is hope for their return.