Nothing fancy... processing loss

The past several months have been filled with loss. It is an interesting thing to experience sorrow. Depending on what you are grieving about depends on how it will affect you. Last week, I had the opportunity to share my own story. Looking back I have realized just how much loss I have experienced throughout my perfectly imperfect life.

The beautiful thing about God is that despite all that we may go through in life, He is always there to use it for good. I could go on about all of the heartbreaking things that have gone on in the past two years, let alone my entire life. I could tell you that despite my attempts for good, sometimes mud gets thrown back in my face.

Life is hard. It is filled with so many things that will cause you pain. There has been many days that my heart has felt like it was shattered into pieces. Have you ever felt this way?

I think that there will be days that I will continue to fill as if my heart is breaking. The love that I have for people runs so deep. The depth of this love is something that some are often perplexed by. It is almost as if some will run from it, either too afraid to trust or to put it simply, they believe that they are too unworthy to receive it.

What I struggle with most is the pain of lies, betrayal, and ultimately sin coming forth from the tongue (read James 3- he equates it to witchcraft, wickedness). The sorrow from losing someone that you love is hard. To have a continuation of rejection, and lies from others just adds to the pain already present. In fact, losing someone who has not passed on from this life to the next feels almost worse because there is no finalization.

With this in mind, I decided a while ago to not hold these things in anymore. By not holding the pain in any longer and allowing myself to grieve, I believe I can help someone else who may be struggling with similar things. I want my message to always be that you are not alone and that there is always hope.

Dear one, what have you been grieving over? What have you lost? Do you know how valuable you are? Do you know that you are dearly loved?

You are loved, oh so loved!! Come into the arms of the One who will never leave you, nor forsake you.

I like this!! Lysa Terkeurst's Unglued Devotional

Lysa Terkeurst is an open book and raw to the core in the Unglued Devotional, revealing some of her most vulnerable and ugly days. What I found was most helpful for me was that through her honesty I was able to recognize again that I was not the only one that struggled with dealing with my emotions in a way that is healthy. I am a passionate woman, who loves so deeply that anytime I feel that my love is being tossed back in my face, it can be hard for me to process these feelings without some kind of burst of energy. This book was a great asset for me to read because it confirmed what God speaks about in the Bible to press into Him, He is after all in control, and learn to let go, and love through my deep emotions.

Some of the things that spoke to me were about the day Lysa shared about being a "reactor or a responder", which is something that I have been working on in my own life. She also touched on the difference between "Condemnation vs. Conviction", "Self Control", and other topics such as forgiveness, peace, and love. Through every day of struggles, victories, and breakthrough, she reveals ultimately the heart of our Father God. He does not change when our circumstances do. His truth does not change with our feelings and our tears will never drown His truth out.

The Unglued Devotional is an excellent asset to the book and Bible study. I have only been able to read the devotional so far and have been reminded more each day, that despite my imperfections, God is always there and loves me through every mistake, heartache, and trouble. It is all right to be honest and raw day to day with your Father God. You are beautiful. Take some time today to sit, read about Gods truth in the Bible with Unglued as a side, and take some time in silence to listen to Him speak His truth to you. You are worth it!

Put on Those Jet Packs!

Have you ever wondered what flying would be like? Why not strap a few jet packs on your back and see how it feels? The force on your body as you fly against gravity, the wind in your face, and the exhilarating feeling that comes from the thrill of doing something that seems nearly impossible.

This is my life. Not that I own jet packs, but on a spiritual sense, there are days where it seems like God straps some on and I just go flying! It is after these moments that I sit and reflect. I see how different I am because of God. And I wonder how I even made it through the previous week not knowing what I had just learned.

Today is one of those reflection days. It is more of a forced reflection day since I woke up sick and had to cancel all my appointments. People do not like it when you are contagious. The State of Oregon Massage Board detests it, which is why it is against the law to give a massage to anyone when you are sick.

With this state of exhaustion that I am in (it started last night), my emotions go down to the depths. Most often after working my way through the murky waters of my feelings I realize just how hard I have been on myself. There is so much to do and so many people to love. I want to do my best; to give the best; to love like tomorrow is not coming.

With the added pressure that I put on myself I can have moments where I feel like I have failed. This feeling of failure has been a constant companion of mine for years. It is something that God has slowly been freeing me from. When I say slow, the slow part is more about me since it is a process to realize the unhealthy habits and thought patterns that have been a part of my life for years.

Each time that I seem to find myself emerging from the depths of my emotions, a new sense of freedom and breakthrough occurs. Healing is a process and can be painful at times. Just like that jet pack, healing can set you soaring high in the clouds, free and full of joy despite the pain!

Sometimes, my husband can get the brunt of my "failure" as I vent, and struggle to process the crazy events that may have just taken place. He literally is the best gift. He allows me time to process things, hugs me, rubs my shoulder, or holds my hand, just as a silent gesture to let me know that he loves me despite my inner struggle.

God has used my husband to help me become the woman I am today. Looking back on our journey of love, I see part of the reason why there was some opposition for us to be a couple. The enemy was scared about what we would do, and who we would become, TOGETHER. In response to that truth, I admit that he should be scared. I say this not to brag but to proclaim the truth that through God, He is doing great and mighty things in and through us, TOGETHER.

If there is anything I have learned the past 3 years it is to: set fear of failure aside, put on those jet packs and fly!

HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! 

Longing for You

The time has come and gone, and I stand here longing. A land so close, an unending love for a people I hardly know. I see your faces in my dreams.

The desire burns in my heart to pick up a dirty orphan child who is desperate for a mother’s love. I thought I would return to you long before now. I never intended to leave you behind. I see your faces in my dreams.

I ache for your small arms to wrap around my neck. Is it just a mother’s desire inside of me? Truly I know that nothing will ever erase this fire in my soul to save each of you. I see your faces in my dreams.

Red dirt, bare feet, your footprints are forever on my heart. Round belly, and big yellow eyes, the loneliness is something that will forever haunt me. I see your faces in my dreams.

Contagious laughter, dirty tears I am sorry I am not there to dry them. Who is there with you now? I wonder how much longer it will be until I can hold you. I see your faces in my dreams.

This burning desire to come and save you is more real than ever before. It is as if I hear all of your voices calling my name during the night. Calling me back to a place where my heart is my home and strangers call me sister. I see your faces in my dreams.

Red, yellow, black, and white I see your faces in my dreams. I will come to you when He sends me and I will bring with me another hero. This time will be different. This time I can kiss the tears you cry and together we can dream under the same sky.

Where are you now?

I was listening to Red's album "Until We Have Faces"

 

I have heard this song countless times. Today this song seemed to explain exactly how I have been feeling lately. For the first time in my life I have been learning how to deal with a difficult situation in a healthy way. I am allowing myself to grieve.

I am not the only one who is facing similar heartache. 

You are not alone if someone in your life has walked away and you are waiting for them to return home.

Countless times, I have written in my journal: 

Where are you? Where did you go? 

Will you come back to love me?

I used to know you.

Who are you?

Why?

So many of us are walking around wounded. Some of us are still recognizing our worth. Many of us fight for our worth by forgiving and loving others even as they walk away. Although, this may not always feel good, true love does not hold onto what the person did to you, rather you let the person and action go by handing it up to God. He alone can handle the toughest situations. 

This does not mean that you must continue to put up with sinful behavior. This does not mean that the pain will instantly go away. It also does not mean that the situation will be fixed. The certainty is that your heart will not be tied down in bondage to that pain or to that person. Because of this there is freedom. Your heart can be healed and shaped beautifully by the hands of love.

How many of you are waiting for someone you love to return? How many of you are learning what it means to let go of pain due to the words or hands of others?

You are not alone. 

Hold on.

There is hope.

Cling to Love.

Forgive daily.

Allow yourself to grieve.

Open yourself up, let go of the pain, and let Love hold you.

Listen to this song. Maybe it will allow the tears to break forth for more healing. 

Do not be afraid to allow yourself to feel.

Grieve. 

Let go.

There is hope for their return.

 

 

From the Depths of our Soul

It takes one single moment to change the rest of your life. We can focus on the things that have broken our hearts to the core. Would you truly be living? We can dwell on the words that cut so deep, the lies that are still being painted as the canvas of your being, but how can one stand strong in that?

Let us choose life and love to the fullest measure, forgiveness even in the midst of reoccurring offenses. Freedom, like a banner hangs over you, will you wave it high, declaring it against your enemies? Acknowledge your worth and rebuke all of the lies.

There is one who is in your life. He holds the keys to every door, after unlocking the one to your heart. He has given you more gifts than you can count, for there are many. These gifts far outweigh any spoken lie from a deceitful tongue. Each stab in the back cannot come close to stealing one single gift He has given you. That which the enemy has tried to steal, He has restored to you seven fold.

Why then do you despair? Why do your tears fall? Is it for the one who has strayed far from Love? Is it for broken relationships to be restored?

Yes! Dear one, we cry with you. From the depths of our soul we weep for the ones who have forgotten what it is like to be in the arms of Love, speaking His truth. It is with groans that we seek the One who holds the keys to their hearts. Is it time for them to be opened? Oh Lord, we cannot wait any longer! Save them! With our whole being we cry for you to take these broken pieces and put them back together.

Jehovah Rapha we need you.  

A little creativity from my aching heart

I have done my best to stay strong. I have done my best to not let this kill me. There are scars to prove your attempt at slitting my throat. You left me for dead. Lies, like a best friend, you kept close to your bosom.

I’ve heard all I can take. There is darkness where there once was light. A soul left in depravity. How I feel the ache from the thorns wrapped around your heart. You are bound. Who will break through to show you that there is so much more worth living?

You left me there, lying on the floor; a person I thought I could depend on. Who is he that controls you? Who is he that abuses your emotions and puts you into a prison cell? Lifeless, you portray an image that’s far from the truth.

It’s time to know just how much you are worth fighting for. I almost died once trying to show you. This time it will be different. Truth is my banner and God has shown me your destiny. It is full of light and life. Hope is here. It is what gives me strength to remain standing after each brutal stab.

This time is different, despite the pain that weighs me down. I will not be so easily taken as I was before. I wave the banner high. Never have I known such truth. There is so much forgiveness and love. The ground beneath me cannot be shaken.

Strong is my stance. Loud is my voice that once was choked by prison bars. Bend your knees. It is time for redemption. Accept rebuke and forgiveness. Let this show you true love.

He is waiting. With hope I will keep this banner lifted high even if it takes a thousand years or more. Run towards the only One who can save you. Love. It is all I desire for you to know.